There is this song by Tim McGraw titled "Live like you were dying" and every time I hear it I start to cry.
I love this song. It makes me think of all the people I love and I have lost. My life seems so crazy all the time. I feel like I'm really not living it for all its worth.
My brother was engaged to a girl named Allison. Allison had soft brown hair and the most beautiful brown eyes. She had white soft skin and always made us laugh. She was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer when she was 14 and my brother met her during her second remission. We met her during a cancer camp for cancer kids and their siblings. They dated for about a year when she passed away from cancer. She didn't tell anyone she was feeling sick again. It just formed and grew and she didn't say a word. She was tired of chemo and hospitals. I think she knew she was going to die.
I remember when Austin came in to tell me that Allie was going back in the hospital and his eyes were all red and rimmed with tears. I can't even imagine the pain that my brother felt. This was his sweetheart and his first love. You need to understand something about my brother. He's a sweetheart but also very nerdy and didn't have alot of friends. Our family was in shambles and we always felt like it was us against the world. So when Austin met Allie it was like meeting an angel. She was so beautiful and funny and caring and not a typical girl that would be interested in a guy like Austin. She loved him so much and they were the best of friends. I think that is the worse pain to see someone you love to be in pain. All I wanted to do was die for her so that my brother would stay happy.
The day she died we went into her hospital room and they let me be in the room by myself.(She was in a coma) I was also having chemo treatments and so I remember being so terrified but also thinking this could be me in a week. I held her hand and told her I loved her. The spirit was so strong. I will never deny that feeling of love and peace. It was like angels were in the room with us. I just couldn't stop crying. I kept touching her hair and smoothing it away from her face. I told her I was sorry for everything and wish I could trade her places.
I went out into the hall and my brother held me forever and I just bawled. Then after Stephanie came out we all held each other. My brother and sister are everything to me. Our own little family unit.
A couple of hours later my mom came into my room and told me she was gone and all I could do was run. I ran out into this huge pasture behind our house and ran forever it seemed. It didn't seem fair. And sometimes it still doesn't. I wonder when it will make sense.
About 5 months later I completed my chemo treatments and 2 wks after that I went in for another checkup. They took my mom aside and said that the cancer was regrowing and it didn't look good. They let me go home for the weekend and when my mom told me I felt like it was my time to go. I remember that weekend I walked around and touched everything in my house thinking it was the last time I would be there. The whole way to salt lake I stared out the window and prayed. "please let me live, please let me be with my family, please let me stay" Then when we got there they did some more tests and said they couldn't see what they saw. No joke. I couldn't believe it and I remember promising myself "I will never take my life for granted" But so many times I have and I've made so many mistakes. If I lived like I was dying I'd tell everyone how much they mean to me. And not just tell them but show them. Do things for them.
I love my family. I feel bad that I'm so selfish and don't show them how I feel. I love Chad so much and every day I need to remember to thank my lucky stars that I have such a wonderful man in my life. He's always forgiving and always patient with me. He really does make my life complete.
Live like you were Dying.
"He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how�s it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what�d you do
and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I�d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn�t
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn�t such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I�d do if I could do it all again
And Then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I�d been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying.
Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what�d you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?